I’m Jealous of His Family Time

Q: Without going into too much (boring) detail, I was raised by a single mum and had my first real relationship at fifteen, that lasted for seven years (I ended it). So basically, I prefer to be in small groups or pretty much just hanging out with one other person—whether it’s my partner or my best friend. I’m a bit of a homebody and I’m happiest reading/writing/crafting with a cup of tea/coffee—and usually with my now-fiancé.

Anyway. He has an incredibly close-knit family and sometimes it’s hard to be a part of that (because I always feel like an outsider). So from the very beginning of our relationship, I was always planning things—movie dates, reading dates, just time together and away from everyone else. I know, I know, as I write this I can see that it sounds pretty selfish, but you know how it is—at the beginning you just want to be together all the time. But I still feel that way. I love it when it’s just the two of us. But he wants to spend time with his parents and two siblings (understandably so)… and not me as much. Or at least, that’s how it feels to my stupid brain. It’s never a question of how much we love each other, that’s not my problem (I know he does, despite how frustrated he makes me, I adore him and can’t wait till our wedding next year). So I’m becoming more aware that this issue that is causing upsets between us is mostly on me.

My question is, how do I fix it? How do I not get upset that he doesn’t want to spend all his time with me? I’m trying to fill my time with things I love (which I always do anyway) like yoga, reading, running, and organic food shopping, but I would literally drop everything if he asked me to. How can I not be like that? I feel like I need to have Destiny’s Child’s “Independent Woman” on repeat or something…

Accidental Smotherer

A:Dear AS,

All of this has the probability of changing after you’re married. Your relationship with him. His relationship with his family. All of it. If you’re not already living together, being under the same roof alone could lessen that frantic need to be together all the time just by the nature of it feeling like he’s there. All the time. Ugh, go someplace already, all the time.

But let’s assume it won’t change, because, hey, it might not. And even if he does break away from his family slightly, there will always be something else vying for his time and attention. You’re right, it needs to be addressed. But I think you’re wrong that it’s just you that needs to do the addressing. It could be entirely your problem (we’ll get to that in a minute), but it’s likely that it won’t be solved by you alone. For starters, you can both talk about ideals. Ideally, how much time would he like to spend with his family? How much time would you want alone, just the two of you? Is there some meeting-in-the-middle possible?

A part of the solution is making yourself more comfortable around his family. I know you didn’t want me to say that, but there it is! Because you’re a loner, it can feel difficult at the outset. But you don’t always need to feel like an outsider, and you just may need to tear that bandaid and start the process. Invite everyone over, or tag along when he goes. Endure one or two awkward fourth-wheel days, because that’s the way you get to know someone and begin to feel comfortable around them. There might still be times when he wants to be alone with his siblings, but there might be other times when you can tag along and feel included.

That’s only a piece of it because, like I said above, there will always be something else sucking up his time. (And as I’m sure you already know, that’s a good thing.) For the most part, there will be ebbs and flows in your time together. You might find yourself with several months where you just have each other, and then suddenly overnight, he’s needed more at work and your mom is taking more of your time, and you’re just pecking each other a kiss good morning before the start of your day. What are you going to do in those times?

It’s an “all your eggs in one basket” situation. Not just because there will be times when you just logistically can’t be with your partner all day, but also because you’re going to fight! And have bad days! And sort of hate him just a little bit sometimes! What do you do then? Crumble? Tea and books are lovely, but are they just a sorry second option? It’s really important for your personal health, and for the health of your marriage, to invest your time and energy and passion into other things and friends that excite you just as much as your relationship.

It’s completely plausible that this feeling is normal, that you’re in the happy cloud of the beginning of a relationship when there’s no such thing as “too much” of the other person. But, it’s also possible that you don’t just enjoy being with him, but also feel panicky and insecure when he isn’t around. If your feelings veer more in the possessive direction, it wouldn’t hurt to seek out a counselor to discuss them.

It’s awesome that you enjoy your partner so much. But finding other things and other folks you enjoy just as much is good for you, and good for your marriage.

If you would like to ask APW a question, please don’t be shy! You can email: askteampractical [at] apracticalwedding [dot] com. If you would prefer to not be named, anonymous questions are also accepted. Though it really makes our day when you come up with a clever sign-off!