How Do I Go Dress Shopping with Mom Without Breaking Her Heart?

Q: Of all the complicated wedding traditions, I feel like the one where I am most likely to disappoint is in choosing my wedding dress. That’s right, you guessed it! Momma’s involved. She really REALLY wants to be involved in planning and have a very bonded mother-daughter experience, which is completely fine and fitting with our relationship, but where it comes to wedding planning and dress picking, I am several degrees less mushy than her so to speak. We have made plans for her to visit so we can go dress shopping together and I am afraid she is going to be studying my emotions so expectantly with each dress, yet never quite get the epic excitement out of me she is looking for. She’s my mom, she trying to be super loving, and I am trying to do the same in return. I am just not exactly sure how to balance our expectations. I am excited for dress shopping; I like getting dressy, but I can’t stand too much fuss. And these heavy dresses, with the beads and the gossamer silk feel about as laid back as their prices.

Which leads me to my second question of sorts. I might find a wedding dress—I might. BUT with my preference for easy, comfy, cool-as-a-cucumber-hotness, I wonder if I might be better off buying a non-wedding dress. I have been hunting across the Internet for such a dress and have found some excellent contenders at Free People, ASOS, Revolve, but my favorites are all sold out of my size! I am falling in love with dresses from last season that I can’t have! I realize I probably just need to wait till the spring, but the wedding industry has me a little worried about getting behind schedule and missing out. So, does Maddie have any fashionista tips on going the non-wedding dress route? And can someone just give me the big sister line, that it’s fine to be the super happy, super laid-back bride and my mom will get it?

Fancy Not Fussy

A: Dear FNF,

It’s fine to be the super happy, super laid-back bride. Mom might not get it.

But, you’re probably used to that by now, aren’t you? And maybe she’s used to you and your aversion to the fuss. It could be that you’re worried about nothing, and that she’s completely aware of your dynamic.

Of course, there’s also the chance that she is expecting the super emotional made-for-TV dress shopping moment. The single tear, the sharp little gasp, an ethereal glow around your face. Moms aren’t always immune to the wedding fantasy stuff, just like the rest of us. So, just in case she’s expecting all of that, brace her. Casually mention what kind of dress you’re hoping to find, breezily mention how you expect the day to go, and specifically mention how far from emotionally tied to this whole dress thing you are. Let her know that to you, it’s just a dress, and maybe that will help her manage her expectations.

Now about the actual dress. As you guessed, Maddie does have some excellent fashion tips about non-wedding-wedding-dresses:

As for off-the-rack dress shopping, don’t worry about getting a dress RIGHTNOW. You don’t need six months to buy an off-the-rack dress from places like Free People, ASOS, or Revolve. Focus your strategy on buying those dresses when you like them (since they do tend to go out of stock quickly), then try them on at home, and return the ones you don’t like or that don’t fit well until you find the one you want to make your wedding dress.

Even if you wait until the spring to do that, there are enough backup plans (pre-owned wedding dresses, big box wedding stores) available to you that you’ll be fine if you decide, in the end, that’s not the route you want to go. If it’s any comfort, I bought an off-the-rack dress for my wedding (from BCBG), that we later decided didn’t offer enough support for my boobs. So I made a same-day appointment at David’s Bridal and walked out with a dress after my appointment, which was about two weeks before my wedding.

A word to the wise about off-the-rack shopping from someone who learned the hard way: wedding dresses aren’t just about embellishments and silk and beading. They’re also about structure, and support, and lining, and other things that will keep you comfortable and safe from accidentally flashing someone at your wedding. White evening gowns don’t always do the same. That said, there’s a lot of middle ground between cupcake-shaped capital-W Wedding Dresses and off-the-rack white dresses. If you don’t find what you’re looking for in your off-the-rack shopping adventures, I recommend checking out someone like Nicole Miller, who does breezy, affordable(ish) dresses that aren’t overly fraught, but fit like a glove. BHLDN and J.Crew are similarly great for less fussy wedding dresses. Even David’s Bridal has some hot dresses these days (there’s a jumpsuit and a crop top in their 2015 line, is all I’m saying).

This dress-buying experience can look a lot of different ways. Whether you go big box or boutique, you can still end up with something smokin’ hot. The same way, this trip with your mom can go a few different ways. But, it’s not the dress itself, or even your reaction to that dress, that’s going to make it a meaningful day; it’s the time you get to spend bonding with your mom. (Even if it’s all those mom and daughter wedding commercials say, that part is actually pretty priceless.)

If you would like to ask Team Practical a question please don’t be shy! You can email: askteampractical [at] apracticalwedding [dot] com. If you would prefer to not be named, anonymous questions are also accepted. Though it really makes our day when you come up with a clever sign-off!