Ask Team Practical: Secret Details

Our wedding is coming up in May of this year, and the details are falling into place quickly. Each time that I talk with family and friends, they excitedly ask me about the details of the wedding: What is the band like? What is my dress like? What about the decorations? What will the food be like? So far, I’ve been answering quite openly, sharing that we have a swing band, and we’ll have a photobooth, and so and so is going to sing this song during the ceremony, and we’ll have a campfire with s’mores after the reception…

But I’ve noticed that every time I open my mouth and share a detail from the wedding, I have this nagging feeling that these details should be kept secret from the wedding guests—that the whole day should unfold as a surprise for them. They will look on and participate with delight as the details of the day encapsulate and communicate who we are as a couple. And if I share the details with them ahead of time, it might somehow spoil their experience.

Looking for some wisdom from the APW community on this one. What should and shouldn’t be shared pre-wedding day?

Sincerely Hoping for Helpful Hints

Dear SHHH,

I’m going to burst some major bubbles for you guys today. Ready? Your guests don’t really care about the details. Most of them are coming to watch you get married. A few are coming out of a sense of obligation. And a few others might be coming because there’s free food. But nary a single guest is coming to your wedding with the expectation of being dazzled by a successive unfolding of your relationship as told in party form.

Not unless they read too many wedding blogs.

If someone is asking about the details of the wedding—”What are your colors?” and, “Will you have a first dance?”—it’s because they care about you and are showing an interest in your life. Not because they care about your colors. And if they do sort of care about your colors, it’s more in a, “Weddings are pretty! Let’s talk about weddings!” sense than any sort of hope of finding out the mysterious end to the romantic saga of your wedding day. It’s like when your friend asks what you’re wearing to that thing you’re both going to tomorrow. Is she really waiting with bated breath to find out whether you wear the dark skinny jeans or the black pencil skirt? Meh. It’s more like, I’m interested in talking to you, clothes are fun, let’s talk about your clothes. That’s the way with wedding details.

If someone asks more generally about the wedding—”Have you started planning?”—they’re probably trying to find out what kind of food you’ll be serving (s’mores bar?!) or if there’ll be an open bar. (I hate showing up to a cash bar without cash.)

This is real talk, my friends. The details are lovely. But they’re really for you guys as a couple, even if you’re picking them because you think your guests will enjoy them.

So, no. With those things in mind, no. The wedding won’t be ruined for your friends if you tell them about your swing band or your photobooth. You don’t need to caveat your wedding conversations with spoiler alerts. Your friends don’t care. In the best, most genuine and loving way possible—they really don’t care. Your wedding isn’t a show. Your friends love you and they ‘re excited to see you get married. That’s why they’re asking about your wedding planning, and that’s why they’re coming to the wedding.

Okay, that and maybe the s’mores.

*****

Photo: Gabriel Harber.

If you would like to ask Team Practical a question please don’t be shy! You can email Liz at: askteampractical [at] apracticalwedding [dot] com. If you would prefer to not be named, anonymous questions are also accepted. Though it really makes our day when you come up with a clever sign-off!